I'm not waiting for Prince Charming

This is part of an ongoing series of "controversial posts" I've been writing at my LJ. I haven't posted any of them here until now, but I think this one needs to be shared. I'll say the same thing I do there: you don't have to agree. Really. If you don't agree with me, say so. :) I want to hear your opinions. Doesn't mean I'll change mine, but I like to hear what other people think. Just be sure to be kind and respect my opinion as I promise I will respect yours. Unless it's so far out in left-field that I decide you don't deserve it. But that would only be if you think that Orthodox Christians are actually Gnostics (not making this up). In which case I reserve the right to biff you one with the Cluebat of Orthodox Righteousness.

I'm not waiting for Prince Charming.

I know some of you may be confused by that statement. I am, after all, fairly vocal in my support of "dating with a purpose," or courtship, if you want to call it that. I'm even the administrator (along with a staff of several wonderful young ladies) of an online forum called I Don't Date. Have I suddenly changed my convictions? No, not really.

But I repeat: I am not waiting for Prince Charming.

I am waiting for my husband.

I am not waiting for that mythical someday when a perfect man, a knight-in-shining-armor, rides in on his horse and scoops me off and carries me off to his castle where we live happily ever after. I am not waiting for that day because it will never come and believing that it will is only harmful to myself and to my future relationship with my future husband. (This is not to say that I don't love Pre-Raphaelite art as much as anyone else, just that I don't believe it will happen or ever did in the way we tend to think of it.)

You see, my husband, while I hope and pray that he is a wonderful and Godly man, is just that: a man. He is not now nor ever will be perfect and to imagine that he will is only setting both of us up for heartbreak.

Because what happens when he fails me?

He will fail me, just as I will fail him. And if I cherish the dream of a perfect man only to find that he is not so perfect after all (and I am talking larger failings than leaving his socks on the floor here), what will that do to my trust in him? How much harder would it be to find forgiveness for him and his failings in my heart? Yet would I not hope for that forgiveness myself? I would. And God calls us to forgive our fellow strugglers.

So no, I am not waiting for my Prince Charming. I am waiting for the man that I hope to laugh with, to cry with, to sing with, to read with, to live with, and to worship God with. I know that there will be hard times to come, just as there are hard times now. I know that my own sinful tendencies will rear up their ugly heads just as his will. And you know? I can only pray that God will bring us through them, whatever they be. But I can also refuse to fall into the trap of idealized thinking that is implicated in that phrase, "Prince Charming."

Fear and Suffering

I was really moved by Natalie Nyquist's article on YLCF. She really helped me to crystalize some of the thoughts I've had floating around in my brain for awhile. This is essentially my response although I probably won't quote from her article at all.

There are really two different approaches to courtship* out there. One is centered around the thought of waiting and trusting in God. The other is centered around not getting your heart broken. The first approach, which I would say is probably more prevalent, is the one I agree with. I have three separate issues with the other approach.

First, it's selfish. The focus is on your heart, your needs. If someone goes into marriage thinking only about their heart and their needs it is going to be a difficult marriage. Courtship is not about you. Courtship is about your relationship with the Lord and the other person. You should guard your heart with the thought of the young man or woman who, God willing, will some day hold it for you.

Second, it is unrealistic. Sure, it sounds nice to say, "The heart of any father for their daughter is that they never know a broken heart and that they have a happy, healthy, and holy marriage" (Padgett), but we are human. God made us with desires and needs that don't turn off at the flick of a switch. That doesn't mean we should give in to them, but we must recognize that we will have them and that there is nothing wrong with that. We do not sin by thinking about food during church; we sin when we allow that thought to dwell and take root in our mind. In the same way, we do not sin when we think that the young man next to us is handsome; we sin when we wonder if he likes us and maybe he likes me and I wonder if he likes blue and what color could the curtains in our house be? Realizing that a young man is nice does not mean that you have failed to guard your heart. Thinking about him in terms of yourself does.

Finally, it is not really Godly. I know that's a strong statement and I am not trying to personally condemn those who teach or follow this approach. But it truly is not. God did not call us to a life of safety. The Lord did not say, "Come follow me." He said, "Come take up your cross and follow me." He suffered for us and we as Christians are called to emulate him. We fear suffering but as John Donne said, "[A]ffliction is a treasure, and scarce any man hath enough of it. No man hath affliction enough that is not matured and ripened by it, and made fit for God by that affliction." (Meditation XVII) If we wish to lead a safe and comfortable life we will not be following God. Is it truly holy to say, "I want to stay happy" or to say with the Theotokos (Mary) "Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word" (Luke 1:38)?

It is a hard and lonesome path and I certainly do not claim to have answers but I am convinced that only by allowing God to work as He wills in our life can we find the peace that passes all understanding.






*When I say courtship I also mean the period of waiting before one actually enters into a relationship